Sau gram Zindagi yeh…

Please don’t keep wondering which song this is… or you will make me sad. This one https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=saH2Shlup1Q

Listening to it since morning in here. In here it’s a small world. In here I get to smile without anybody noticing. In here I can shed a tear or two without anyone listening. In here it’s all my space.

I am in here. I don’t know how much of it is me. I don’t think if at all it defines me or I define it. I don’t know how much I belong in here if at all. But this feels home. Like there are rains and dark clouds and chilled wind outside and in here there is a lantern or a stove – a small one. And I have earned enough in the day’s labor to make me a small tea. May be not enough milk but that’s ok. May be not enough sugar but that’s okay too. I like my tea. I like holding it in my hands. I like the warmth in here… ‘gungunahat’ I don’t know if warmth is the right word for this.

It wasn’t always the same in here. There were times with broken roofs. There were times when I had a window broken and times when I was a wall short of four. There were times when I cried so hard that people passing by could hear. It has taken time in sewing itself. It has taken it’s time in here with the walls and roof. Some things I did. Some things it did for me. And we have come to make it – to be this. This place in here. This place I am starting to find home.  This place I am starting to call mine.

There are bad days. But there are okay days too. And then in bad days I have a lantern in here – yeah the same one I talked about. I have grown to live with the winds may be. Or this place in here has learnt to protect me better. Which one of the two – I don’t care. In here I don’t care to know the reasons. In here unanswered questions look like magic. In here things are simple.  In here I feel good.

It’s not left much. The roof will go down in the next rain. The door hinges are gone. It will break with a strong wind. I know. I can see. I fix a hinge or two sometimes. I try to save it. I try to preserve. I can’t. But I try. I don’t want to let go. As if it’s me. As if it defines me. As if I belong… in here.

I was reading some simple little story and I saw the useless ‘you light up my day‘ line. It’s very common no. I have been hearing this in movies. Seeing it on cards since…I don’t know since I started watching movies or started buying cards. And I am sure it meant something when I would have first heard it or read it. I am sure it would have caused some turbulence of feelings if not a rush when I first read it. But today it’ nothing. Okay it is better than I love you may be. Hah! But it really means nothing. Does it?

Every line is commercialized. Every emotion is. They lose meaning at a pace like never before.  ‘You light up my day‘ to ‘you light up my life‘ to ‘you light up my world‘… to a few with a ‘like nothing else does‘ suffix. All have gone bogus. Imagine how should it really feel when you hear ‘you light up my day like nothing else does‘ anywhere – movie, story, card. Anywhere. And what you really feel. I am actually wondering why am I even wasting a minute to write this.

But then the mind wanders as it always does. And it asks. Who would I look at and say ‘you light up my day‘. And you know what I just smile. Who what why does not matter. I just smile. And if I don’t check it in time, I find myself beaming. Literally. And I realize it does not matter how old it has gone or how meaningless it sounds printed on a card. When you pick the card for someone you mean it. And when you think about the stupid line in our room alone and smile. Oh you definitely mean it. And that’s all the line or it’s writer would’ve ever wanted – For you to mean it. No?


Like one in a wild storm it was raining. It’s been raining for a few days now. She has been sitting by the balcony looking at it raining. All the time. Almost all the time. No it’s not been any vacation but she doesn’t remember going to work. How is she not going to work if there hasn’t been a vacation. A sprinkle of water falls on her face and the reasoning gets evaporated.

She can see him from far. He is walking in the rain. His house is a couple of blocks away. She can see him. All drenched in rain. He looks cute. She smiles. It’s painful. Smiling is painful. She just had a surgery in lower jaw. Smile aches. Huh! She takes in the pain and gives one more shot to smile. Or just looks at him. One or the same thing. Aches equally. She smiles at her reasoning. One or the same thing. Ah it aches again. The lips ache. Or ears do. Yeah.. The part between ear and lips… cheek… ah no. but that’s all there is in the middle of lips and ears. But that is not it. The helplessness of reasoning is aching. A drop drops off the right eye. Drops on the floor in a pool of so many other drops. Has she been crying? She wonders. For what?

She looks down at floor. A pool of so many drops. Are they tears. Or just raindrops. Circles of mild vibrations. Beautiful circles arranged in a random symmetry. Clear and sparkling. Like broken mirrors. Round perfect breaks. She could see herself in the mirrors. She could see the drops in her eyes. She could see the pain in her cheeks in the mirror. Pains don’t have shadows. Her mind reasoned. A drop of pain lands in the pool of mirrors and changes the arrangement. From on perfect symmetry to another. The reasoning evaporated by beauty of perfection. Her refection in the pool of drops. In the pool of mirrors. Tears in her eyes pouring into the mirrors. She sees herself. She sees him in the pool of mirror. Her heart skips a beat. He was walking in the rain. How could he come back and stand behind her? Before her mind could reason any further she turns swift with a jerk.

“How long have you been sleeping?” smiling he touches her shoulder with a blank unconcerned care. She looks at him. His eyes. Between lips and ears, his cheeks. His forehead. It all looked so real. Please don’t be a dream… her heart pleads mildly.


Yeah, so I was watching House M.D. it’s good only. Very good actually. But there are things in serials and movies and books and there are things in life. They just don’t match.

He is in pain. Physical pain. He is out of his stock of pain killers and he can’t cope up with the pain. He cuts himself in the arm. One pain reduces the other logic. He just cuts himself in the arm. As simple as that. Yeah, well, not simple. May be painful. He looked cute and stuff for a spilt second. But two days later here I think… really? Cutting one in arm does not relieve the aching leg. It just cant.

One pain does not reduce the other. A devastation is not overcome by another devastation. A disappointment is not killed by another. My guilt is not relieved by your punishments. The hurts I carve on me are not diminished by hurts you give me. I can’t speak for the world of stories, I never lived there, but in real world it just does not work.

If you are drowning and you put more water you drown faster. If u are drowning and you manage to burn yourself you will get burnt and it will hurt. It just makes it more feverish.  More hurtful. More brutal. Relief is rubbish. A doctor like House would know that… I thought.

To connect, to belong, to find oneness in all that surrounds. To be surrounded by what’s known, by what’s yours, what you love, to be near, to be accompanied, to be involved…

I started writing this post on Feb 17. It never crossed the above two half expressed lines. Today in my fears I looked for it again. The feeling… and of course the post.

I always used to say. When things part from you, you realize their value. You realize what you once had. To hell with me, everyone says this. What I say is, that’s not the real value. That’s the fear of parting spiking the real value.

The real value is, or rather the real realization is when it is closest to you, when you have it, when it is just lying by the bed, when it’s not yet going away, when it’s all around you, but you still feel the value, you still feel the need. You still realize it’s worth, while you see it giving you troubles. You still crave for it when you can’t handle it. The every day, every second realization of, Wow! The thing! The everyday every moment realization of looking across the floor and feeling, Wow! That is it! That is what it is, when you actually realize the value. That is when you know this is where you belong. That is when you know what you have. This is what you have longed for life, feeling all along that you know there was somewhere you belonged… but where? Here you dumb, your heart cries in happiness.

I saw the first link as searched for this song in youtube. New Release – 5 years ago. In my face.

It was a warm humid summer afternoon when I first heard this song. This travelled through college pretty much like a part of me. Well, through whatever was remained of college life. Not a day passed when this song did not play in my room. Even after I learnt tu jaane naa and apologize and tune jo na kahaa and all those I’ll be right here waiting… this never stopped being the first song I started the day with and never it stopped being the last to close in my sleepy eyes.  And then it stopped. College ended. I moved. And it stopped. Being a part of me, of my playlist. It did not even travel from my college laptop to my company laptop. I bet the last time I closed the lid of that old HP Compaq laptop this song was playing and I thought, it’ll sleep on its own. Songs are like acquaintances… for me… I realize. I lose the closest ones the fastest. And when I lose… there be no touch. I don’t want to feel there being away may be… so I don’t think of them. I try to remember them close… like old days… and in the process I drop the present… I drop the contact. I drop the song… or the memory may be. I like to believe that the real friendships are those… like the stupid saying… that when you talk… it’s like you never lost touch. Yeah stupid saying… I admitted already. But I like to believe yet. Only I never take in account… losing phones… forgotten passwords… changing numbers… changing mails… changing priorities. Only I don’t take into account… the new songs… so much better songs… so many of them…

But one warm humid summer afternoon… when you feel like one of those afternoons… you ring a bell… or search a song… and who knows… sometimes you might actually find it… like this one. And you realize… that stupid saying… it’s like you never lost touch wasn’t so untrue after all…


I tossed a coin. For the decision that could change my life. And then, then I did not do what the coin said.

It’s like you learn and you don’t learn yet. It’s like you don’t want to learn. It’s like you will have the same question every time. Like you just don’t know the question. Like you haven’t already had the question ten times in past. It’s like you are stubborn. You and everything inside you, they are running in two different directions or multiple directions actually.

You are supposed to listen to your soul, for that’s what people do. But you don’t have slightest clue of what it says. Or! May be it doesn’t have slightest of clue itself. But you need to hold yourself together. Bring the broken pieces together. It’s kiddish to talk about souls and clues. It’s all about you. The person you. Huh there exists one such person too? You might ask. Stop kidding. You need to think and feel on this person’s behalf. Make the best and most optimal decision. Logical reasonable decisions. And then you can always toss a coin. Coin tells you something. And doesn’t force it on you. Coin tells you and lets you ask again. And again. Till the moment it doesn’t tell what you really want.

Sometimes it doesn’t. It does not tell you what you want. You want head, it gives you tail. Ah. But you can always give the logic of coin’s being a little eccentric, a little tilted. Maybe. You never know. And you change the sides. What was head, is tail now. Happy. Are you? You toss the coin and to the highest of your surprises its gives you the head. The head you always wanted and it never gave. The one you just changed. You can toss yet again, but it gives you yet the same. You can smile all you want now. But you wouldn’t have smiled then.

But then. It’s a coin only. You can always ignore it.

Like I did.

And in this, may be you would know what that dumb soul of yours wanted in the first place.


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